348 SPANIARDS & 2 BRITS

A SPANISH WEDDING SOMEWHERE IN NORTH TENERIFE

I really have no idea in what Pueblo this wedding was in as we got ferried there by our friends in a nine seater van plus two others rammed in where the luggage would go which is sans seating. After an amusing day in our hotel retirement home and a few evening drinks with the family in the hotel where the reception was made the one we stayed in a luxurious affair. The couple picked October as the weather is supposedly very pleasant unlike his brothers which was on Fuerteventura in the middle of August in 36c. As luck would have it in Tenerife they had a bloody heatwave the week before with the added bonus of what is like a sand storm in the air where everything turns orange from the settling sand, luckily we missed this by a couple of days but still ended up in 32c at 7pm.

Now a Spanish wedding is something to behold especially for a heathen like me, but before that there’s the clothing issue to tackle. Not so bad for blokes as it’s the basic suit and tie job but for the women it’s evening ball gowns and that holds even if the ceremony is in the morning but this one was in the evening when it’s supposed to be cooler but it wasn’t. So after months of searching dresses and bloody shoes the blond had a number which was a bit heavier than the temperature was comfortable for but at least her top half ( not all of it obviously) off the shoulder was open to the elements unlike wearing a shirt and jacket. After months of shoe searching the ones she bought for the wedding didn’t even make it past the suitcase and are now amongst the vast collection in a kind of shoe shrinewhich one day will be like discovering Cleopatras secret burial site full of unused shoes.

The blond looking cool for the last time before leaving for the wedding

At 6pm we were suited up and draining a quick glass of champagne in the bar awaiting a 6.30pm pick but as this is Canarian time, they were late. The nine seater Fiat thing was fine except we had a couple of extra family members lodged in the luggage area behind the three rows of seats so the noise level was cranked up a bit. This tank thing had sat nav but why it wasn’t being used as no one was actually aware of exactly where we were going was I suppose of no surprise seeing as we’ve known this lot for nearly 40 years, but directions were being given by more than one person from mobile phones and yes one or two differed. So the journey wasn’t exactly relaxing as it got a little hairy round a few bends as the clock ticked on but in the end we got there and very pretty it was, though also being there two days earlier it just might have been a good idea to have done a dry run.

Didn’t get good pictures as very rushed

The church sat at the top of a hill in the centre of the village dominating everything around it as good old Catholic Churches do and was very imposing. Inside was seriously decorated and i don’t think a lot of photos were allowed as it didn’t look like the usual sparse village church and with the way it was decorated inside gave that impression. Ushers don’t exist and it seemed to be a pretty free for all as to where to sit but on previous experience never take the front row. Not being of this faith (or any interest in any other) I take the second row of seats at least because then you have an automatic cue card in front of you and can see what your supposed to be doing. We knew this was going to be at least an hour long and boy did this one go on and on and on and on. Looking around every wall seemed to be dominated by some enormous carved effigy depicting death and suffering of Jesus Christ in various poses, boy this lot really are happy. Also the other confusing factor seemed to be anyone from the village could rock up and take a seat for the ceremony which I thought yeah that’s cool.

Juan, the other daughter in law, grand kids Leo the spawn of the devil and sister Laila who’s lovely and Helen

So it all began with three priests with one of them being the head honcho and the other two in a supporting role flicking bits and pieces around plus water and changing what seemed to be candlesticks or whatever while the top bloke chatted on and on a lot about the heart and stuff like that. I got a little confused when we got to the bit about El Senor and had also tuned out so like a prize dork I turned around looking for some bloke to come waddling up the aisle carrying some sort of cross depicting more pain and suffering or waving incense around but to no avail except for 300 odd Spaniards sat behind me wondering just what the hell this blokes looking for ?. Ok I’m an idiot, but for the last half hour we’d been up and down like bloody yo-yo’s with everyone but us mumbling away and furiously crossing themselves up down left and right that I wasn’t sure if we were all part of an old Jane Fonda workout video from the 80’s. So with the heart stuff all forgotten about this El Senor bloke seemed to take over the proceedings for the next 20 mins or so with more leg squats, mumblings and lots more crossing involved and a lot more Latin and plenty of en el nombre del padre del hijo etc etc and we’re just getting hotter and hotter.

This was just a small part of the grooms side.

It was all fun except for an extra half hour tacked onto proceedings when some of the guests and an awful lot of locals who turned up getting the freebie wafer and mouthful of wine at which point I could have killed for a small cold beer. Meanwhile a couple of old lady’s appeared with what look like bamboo sticks with large triangular cloth socks attached to them which turned out to be some sort of payment to get you through the pearly gates. I got nudged with a have you got any change ?. No I’ve only got 50€ notes on me and for that I don’t expect that to solely be the entrance fee to Valhalla I want a limo picking me up as well.

By now night had drawn in and outside was lit by lights and thankfully was cooler as we hung around waiting for the couple to emerge where you have a choice of throwing flower petals or in Spanish tradition rice. Now when this rice affair happens don’t stand at the front as believe it or not the rice can be bloody painful and for some insane reason the blond stood where she shouldn’t be and ended up with half a paddy field down her dress where being hot it didn’t exactly work its was through and so stuck to her body chaffing away for the next hour or two.

Bride and groom just before the rice throwing

We all piled into the 9 seater van and shot back off to the reception minus the two cousins in the luggage area which was just as manic with 3 people giving conflicting directions which meant we ended up on the highway heading for the airport before exiting in the middle of nowhere and finding our way back, surely the Sat nav in the vehicle had our previous location? maybe maybe not but why be sensible and all this before a drink. The reception held in some hotel was very good as we all started with nibbles and wine around the pool deck which was great and we got to mingle with the dozens of cousins we don’t see every time we visit and some of them are now adults so at times I had no idea who the hell I was talking to but they were all cool with that. Inside the grooms mum Mariola had dressed all the tables with flower arrangements and all the room in general. Got to admit that the food was way beyond our expectations not only was it done very well for mass catering we couldn’t actually eat it all as the portions were enormous. The wedding cake was inedible to us as the amount of sugar used must have boosted Brazils sugar exports but then again neither of us have a sweet tooth. The evening was excellent and I think we got back to our retirement home at around 2am just a little bit worse for wear.

The blond and a little fat bloke on the left dying to know the rugby score, nice sea view in background

The following day the groom, his bride, brother, wife, parents, kids and a grandmother decided we were all having lunch at our pool deck restaurant which made eleven of us in total so that’s going to piss the guests off with the noise level. It all went fine and they bought along part of the wedding cake which hadn’t been touched which as I said was a complete sugar rush probably comparable to cocaine and we all had to have a bit. There was an English couple probably around our age with their son possibly 2O ish and we’d seen her the day before with a walking stick and about 40lb overweight which might be the reason she wasn’t the most mobile or lithe mover and had noticed the cake which was still mostly untouched. As we were about to leave she announced that if they were leaving that cake can they have it. We asked Jeffri what he was going to do with it as they wanted it, he said they can have it we don’t want anymore. Helen sauntered up to the table and said to them in English you may have it as it’s their wedding cake and they’ve had enough, so when the big bird finally picked up her jaw from the floor saying “oh you understood me”, of course we are English which left her totally confused but I bet she enjoyed the cake and just may now be using two walking sticks.

Bride & Groom

HOTEL BOTÁNICO &The Oriental Spa Garden

Puerto de la Cruz Tenerife

Senator Suite room 120 €425.00 per night

Arrived here after 3 nights in Malaga at the Palacio Solecio and flying on that good old bucket airline Veuling which was fine for 2 hours and got picked up at the airport by one of the family for tomorrow’s wedding. Looking at it there is no way either of us would come to Tenerife as the south is the bucket and spade brigade and the north of the island is well full of bananas and Mount Tide the old volcano which if it ever blew again and took part of the Island with it just wouldn’t register on my radar. We had an inkling of what the hotel would be like but it really surpassed our expectations of all fur coat no knickers. On arrival the hotel looks ok and the lobby area is enormous but actually being in the Spanish Canary Islands both of us were at a loss as to what this really had to do with an oriental spa and gardens which they push very heavily. Sorry but to me a garden is a garden and to come out with some old cobblers about zen and rubbish like that it all just looked a bit overgrown and dense, so maybe there trying out a Thai jungle look but without any Orangutan’s doing a bit of tichi in the background. To top it all neither of us has any want or need to be rubbed down by some girl with herb scented oils listening to a distant water fall which just makes you want a pee or the sound of humping whales farting in unison, but unless by some quirk of nature I end up in a totally kinky porn movie with the masseuses I didn’t see anyone resembling an Asian mumasan asking about any of those little bookoo extras on the side so all very mundane.

I never thought check- in was going to end, fair enough the welcome was excellent but why did they need so much information, I even asked if she wanted the make of my underpants as well, and then how many signatures plus you have to hand over a credit card incase you do a bunk with a bottle of mineral water which just kicks me off again. Both of us drink sparkling water so why do they give you numerous bottles of still which are replenished each day for free and charge you 5 euros for a bottle with bubbles in, if I’m paying over £425.00 per night just stick a couple of euros on the room or include it you bunch of tight fisted arses.

Believe me it’s a lot more impressive at night

Never touched it but it’s all glass models of leaves which beats the usual kiddie mobile thing above the cot

Once on floor 1 we exited to a strange aroma of slight dampness and that feeling of you just know what’s going to come. On entering the room the first thing that hit us was the heat, yes it was very warm and the ac controls told us it was supposedly functioning at 22.5c but the vents were tiny compared to the room and what ever was blowing out was weaker than a gerbils fart. That’s probably all very well but I’ve got a menopausal woman who suffers from what can only be described as volcanic heat eruptions which fluctuate from bubbling lava to ice cold glaciers so a room above 18 degrees is a no go for a nights sleep for either of us. The room itself was actually very good as you entered it actually had a small closed off hallway and on entering through the double glazed doors the lounge was actually quite large and well appointed. The main attraction was the second hand replicated Brights of Hungerford fake Georgian furniture which many crappy expensive hotels seem to purchase from some obscure hotel furniture warehouse as I doubt Brights of Hungerford who used to make this stuff still exist. As I said the lounge and the bedroom were very large and the hotel had obviously been refitted or at least re painted with all the original fittings still in sitúe plus the carpet was a cracker from the 1970’s.

My grandparents front room was more in fashion than this and they’ve been dead for decades.

The unmodernised bedroom with two single beds pushed together, loved the exciting decor.

The place was spotless but not what you could call comfortable unless your 104 years old and had the same furniture for practically your whole life and it wasn’t a place you’d want to spend a lot of time in. The beds were ok if a little hard with a very thin mattress comforter, towels were ok but obviously with age not as fluffy as you would want. I don’t call painting the walls a refit when all the bathroom and room fittings stay exactly as they were from god knows how many Millenium past and this was proved when we ran a bath and I had a shower. The bath was small and shallow (as I am) and took and I’m not lying 25 minutes to fill to a semi decent level. The shower was equally crappy being a wall mounted thing from the 70’s that you could detach from the fitting with a very worrying bouncy plastic shower tray, as for a shower it was shit, I know men my age with enlarged prostate glands who have a stronger flow rate than this impression of a dribbling moron, but the big wind up was the very old shaver socket that had been attached to the wall by a slightly pissed electrician and had that aged look where once white had turned to a grubby cream.

At this sort of money I don’t expect finishes like this even if it’s old crap.

The staff were fine and dressed so old fashioned that they looked like they should be at the Ritz or the Savoy but things actually work in those hotels plus a lot of them looked like they’d been here since El Cid was riding around Spain. The bar was large but we only ever saw us and four other people in it and you could find more excitement in any undertakers but luckily for us it was for two nights and one of those was else where at a wedding otherwise if I’d spent time in there I may well have expired and needed that final box. I loved it was called the bar hall but our hallway at home is more exciting.

The lively bar area and this was at 7.30pm

The pool deck was adequate but I would hate to see this place if it’s ever more that 50% full as it’s not large and one complete side is in shade the whole day , but yes there’s always a lot of numptys who want to sit in the sun with a large umbrella and be in the shade so why do you always want the sunny side, maybe they feel it’s more value for money or they just might be losing out. It’s a bizarre situation getting a drink at the pool as naturally you’d think it would come from there but no it actually comes from the bar in the hotel so it’s served to you by a guy or a girl dressed like someone from the Orient Express who are perspiring like a pig while the pool bar and restaurant staff are dressed in normal well I say normal black shirts and trousers which is not the best colour for a warmer climate, neither of us wanted to ask why this happens but it is what it is. The pool restaurant shuts down at 4pm or at least the kitchen does as we could only get a roll to eat which was a nice beef one but at €18 it should be then at 5pm the pool guy comes along and starts putting plastic sheets over any loungers which aren’t occupied so if you come back late and fancy relaxing by the pool tough as everything gets packed away.

Pool deck with bar / restaurant area.

The clientele surprisingly were a mix, one or two wealthy Spanish families with grandparents and horrendous kids and a major splattering of older Brits and Germans who all seem to dress the same like some kind of old colonial rulers and acted like it especially the Panama hatted Brit who loudly told his wife we need to make ourselves known to these people. Christ knows who Major muppet and Dame Hilda his wife thought they were but I guarantee no one special as the staff didn’t bother with them any more than any one else.
We were here for a wedding and this was about the best on offer. As I said clean and efficient staff but bloody hell so old and so overpriced for what it is. We return to Malaga and the hotel La Zambra which we stayed in when it first opened last year and it’s cheaper than this so will report what that’s turned out like.

JOSE CARLOS GARCÍA RESTAURANT 1* Michelin

Muelle Uno. Plaza de la Capilla, 1. Puerto de Málaga

Set Lunch for two €637.90 inc drinks.

Eventually we got here after more than a couple of attempt’s what with our visits to Malaga and this place not being open and this time having to cancel our evening meal as the blond broke her fingers during the day so we managed to cancel and re-book for lunch the next day which turned out fine because the menu doesn’t actually change for the evening. This was also the first time we’d actually seen the revamped marina as it’s below road level and we were surprised to see it’s actually a shopping area with a lot of stalls opposite the shops selling stuff that’s useful and various other old tat that tourists buy to put in the forever shit why did I buy that draw and we all have one of those.

Very trendy facia

Must admit I was impressed with the frontage as it’s slightly set back from the main drag cordend off by some box hedging to keep it private and to stop day dreamers from wandering in which will piss you off when your paying in the region of £400 and having some muppet stare at you while eating. All the garden type area was full of comfy sofas and plenty of parasols to stop the sun beating you up and there stood a receptionist to show you in, actually felt sorry for her as even in the shade it was still 26c and she’s dressed in black poor girl, still she was perfectly turned out without a crease out of place and as with all these establishments she didn’t look like the back of a Hino truck.

Personally I would have used a nice prickly privit hedge trained on barbed wire to deter the gawpers.

Once inside the place had a kind of industrial feel as the ceiling was left in concrete showing all the stuff for the air conditioning but was softened with large rugs on polished concrete and one wall the entire length of the building covered in some kind of fern and various other greenery. The table were large and had so much space you could actually have a good old domestic argument with no one else being the wiser

We were shown to the table which had pretty much nothing on it just a water glass and what looked like half a shin bone with a butter knife perched on it but on closer inspection the actual bone was made of some kind of composite. The menu arrived of which there was two choices the larger and the smaller and all were set in a metal base done very well done but no guessing which one we picked. Yes it’s the one with Lobster and caviar.

As usual I forgot to take photos of all the courses as they usually look like shit, but I did do a few so will put them in though they don’t exactly look appetising. Service throughout was excellent and it turned out one of the girls was actually Irish and when found out we were English she said I’ll do the descriptions in English, no way practise your Spanish girl and she was fine. I did take some photos of the food but decided that unless it’s a real professional doing it food usually looks like a pile of crap apart from the usual artistic bit’s and bobs that are placed around a piece of meat or whatever. So onto the food, nothing that you could actually complain about and everything was executed very well except the piece of water bathed pork which had the usual give away flabby texture. One or two bits and pieces were good but nothing had a depth of flavour. There was a spinich gel placed around one plate and apart from being a deep green we had to ask what it was as it was devoid of any flavour what so ever, this caused a bit of consternation but honestly what’s wrong with asking but then again you shouldn’t have to. The whole experience was a bit like eating Michelin food in London about ten years ago so pretty much par for the course in a lot of Spain.

It wasn’t a real bone

Kitchen as viewed from garden area

In the main everything was what you’d expect but a bit old fashioned and service wasn’t as stuffy as you would think. Wines were very reasonably priced and in plumped for a PSI from Peter Sisseck from the Ribera del Duero but when this is the highlight of the meal and the most exciting bit then something has gone a bit wrong and by plate four both of us were getting a bit bored. The best dish was the Lubina (sea bass) perfectly cooked but I’d have to go back to the menu to see what it was served with so I’ll leave that to you if you can be more bothered than me. I got so bored with this one that I haven’t even read it through properly and really by now have lost interest in it, onto Tenerife and the wedding, now that was a laugh.

VUELING AIRLINES

LONDON GATWICK NORTH TERMINAL TO MALAGA

The time has come for the Spanish wedding in the North of Tenerife an island in the Canaries populated mainly by Brits and Germans or as the locals put it “el gente normal”, but if you set your stall out for that kind of clientele you can’t actually complain about it. Most of the dross from these nations end up in the south of the island and it’s serviced by two airports making a flight to the north rarer and more expensive so no bonus points for guessing which one we have to fly into. These days British Airways short haul or anything under four or five hours is no different to any bog standard cheap flight anywhere in Europe except that for some obscure reason they are a lot more expensive, but you still end up in the same metal cigar tube with the same leg room and crap service in any other cheaper budget airline, so why would you do that for double the money ?. As it turns out Vueling is made up of the word vuelo for fly in Spanish and lobbing an ing on the end of it making it the second largest carrier in Spain after Iberia and was also a part of some American outfit called Jet Blue and some other Spanish low cost airline but at the end of the day it gets you from A to B in one piece so who’s complaining. We found it cheaper to fly from the shit hole known as North Terminal Gatwick to Malaga. Gatwick has two terminals North and South which is the one we usually fly from and is generally ok, the North one is more of a shit hole smaller and not worth bothering about as it’s more of a bucket and spade number than the other but we have a couple of days in Malaga then onwards with good old Vueling to Tenerife Norte with a repeat round trip but better than flying ABBA otherwise known as anything but British Airways so how that works out as far as costings go it’s probably the same as doing split fares on what was known as British Rail and is probably worked out by some ex government civil servant so makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

The flight to Malaga was actually very good, possibly because being a late flight was half empty which made the 180 minutes really for want of a better description fly by. I must admit to being completely ignorant to the fact that this is a Spanish airline as the crew and all the wording was in Spanish so it came to being a bit of a surprise to the stewardess when she explained the usual emergency exit stuff that we understood the lingo which isn’t normal with a couple of Brits. Not much you can say about the flight and they do serve drinks and snacks at an extra cost along with the usual extras for hand luggage, hold luggage. life vests, ( why do they do the life vest thing when your only flying over land which is not going to help the situation), emergency oxygen and anything else they could possibly load onto the final price but you get what you pay for and we had no complaints as a flight is a flight and for this long it’s not exactly purgatory or expensive. The main bonus is none of the seats recline making it a lot more comfortable than having a total numpty chucking the seat back as soon as the wheels leave the ground and booking the middle row of emergency exit seats you don’t get some annoying brat kicking the seat or playing with the drop down table every five minutes. Jesus I’d pay a fortune to have an adult only flight as it’s easier to slap some piss head than someone’s precious little brat.

Apart from having to fly with a group of people who suffer from a kind of slack jaw syndrome looking like some sort of human fly catcher and have no basic intelligence and stand at the security lanes looking gormless as to why stuff needs to be scanned, then being incapable of locating a numbered row or seat all was fine and I must admit that this flight was really painless. In fact it was better than our last business flight on BA for a fraction of the price. So as far as I can see or getting older and less forgiving in many of life’s aspects this was ok and I’m getting less and less interested in paying for 1st class or business on long haul flights, in fact long haul is really beginning to piss me off and I’m so glad that we did this when we were much younger and I’m sure was certainly better and more value for money than it is now. Anyway two days in Malaga then Vueling agin onto Tenerife could be a different experience but I’ll wait and see.

WOVEN by ADAM SMITH 1* MICHELIN

COWORTH PARK HOTEL

ASCOT

LUNCH £335.80 inc drinks

Coworth Park sits in 240 acres of Berkshire countryside which is worth god knows how many tens of millions and is owned by the Dorchester Hotel collection which is actually owned by the Brunei Investment agency or another foreign state owning another chunk of England. The main house is Georgian built around 1776 for an East India merchant and being involved in that outfit probably made a shed load of cash from slavery, opium trading, making rural poverty and famine worse on top of stealing everything they could from India plus any other form of oppression that they could probably think up and are still the baddest multi corporation that have existed on earth until the Indian uprising in the mid 1850’s, I think that was the date, but look up the company on the web for actual accuracy. Being fairly close to us we thought let’s give it a shot and not for the possibility of seeing some famous whoever which is about as interesting as paint to me or one of the Royal family which might pop down the road from Windsor for a bite. So with its location being in hooray Henry merchant banker zone the hotel not only has equestrian facilities but a polo field as well but I have no idea what the admission fee is and I also guess that like rowing at Henley most of the people watching have about as much idea as I do about the rules or game of polo.

On first view of the hotel it’s not exactly an impressive building for its time but the grounds are amazing and makes cutting the grass before going for a pint on a Sunday lunch time a once a year occasion, as for the hotel I’ve got no idea on prices, rooms or anything else as we would never stay there as it’s a quick train journey or even a taxi ride away so really no point in looking but you can find it at http://www.dorchestercollection.com

Fairly plain for its time. Golf buggies take you to various estate buildings which are now rooms.

Many years ago we had eaten in the Barn which is more like a casual bistro but this was first time in the hotel and it’s very impressive and the restaurant was just through past reception but still tucked away. The dining room was very impressive and you enter passing a wine cave area and past the cheese room which we really liked. We were seated at a small banquet which the blond loved as you could see the entire room and decor. Unlike most Michelin starred places it wasn’t full of people whispering to each other but then again it wasn’t noisy just very relaxing and comfortable until I had a gander at the wine list. Wow and I mean wow the prices are unbelievable as I saw many wine s that we have bought ok some time ago but Jesus I’m sitting on a fortune and it very quickly became obvious that we were not going to have a bottle of anything which left me thinking shit why did I come here.

Some amazing wines in here

Ditto

Perfectly stored cheese

Both of us very nearly made complete twats of ourselves as the menu started with a heading From the Pantry which to us looked like starters but they turned out to be the freebie appetisers and From the Larder was the actual starters which luckily we both chose from so avoiding the staff having a good laugh at us behind the scenes. The appetisers kicked off with a smoked piece of Mackerel in a green pepper sauce and was amazing as an opener, not so keen on the take of Coronation Chicken as would have liked a bit more seasoning. The third taster was truly brilliant finely chopped pieces of eel encased in a fine jelly which when the sauce was poured over slowly melted and all sat on a chive base which you slowly swirled around in the cup before drinking, this was pure genius in execution and flavour and I could of had a bucket load. The puréed ball of avocado with quinoa basil and a few dots of caviar could have been up there with the eel but was a little overpowered by the Yuzu. Surprisingly there was a small bread course with a smoked butter and an amazing dipping oil made of lobster and sour cherry, just bottle this and we’d buy it along with a couple of other spreads for the sourdough as well as a kind of brioche and a cheese

type of croissant. Onto actual starters and Helen headed straight for the Cornish Crab with Lemon Verbena and a Thai Green Dressing and the whole thing married perfectly and the dressing of the plate was beautiful as well, mine was Truffled Custard which sat beneath a selection of finely sliced mushrooms with onion and a goats cheese foam which somehow managed to stay the whole course and I admit that’s a first anywhere. The balance was great as the truffle wasn’t overpowering and that’s with some fresh truffle flakes on top. With this we decided on a couple of glasses of Veuve Clicquot which has improved from some years ago and a couple of glasses of Pinot from New Zealand and one from Faiveley in Burgundy at £14 and £16 each.

Loved the dining room

From the mains H chose Line Caught Sea Bass on a bed of incredibly fine slices of courgette with small blobs of smoked Anchovies circling the whole dish. I only got to mop up a little of the sauce as try this wasn’t forthcoming but it was fab with a little bit of Lemon Thyme cutting through the saltiness of the anchovy. After my starter I was having meat with drawl symptoms so obviously it was the Lamb which was described as with pine nuts, mint and Kholrabi but was much more than its description. I had three different cuts of Lamb perfectly cooked and the mint was actually in the stock which was poured over the Lamb and was amazing and I had to ask for an extra piece of bread to mop it all up. Why in gods name more people don’t do this is beyond me as if the kitchen are going to spend hours reducing and refining a sauce why in gods name are you going to leave it, this the chef mentioned when he came out to meet us, why us I have no idea maybe it was the commoner in the corner mopping up his plate that he had to see to believe. What ever came next just had to be a cheese course and we went into the cheese room to choose what we wanted and they were all great and as I said earlier perfect not semi frozen just out of a fridge I mean what makes cheese ? , bugs and milk and not some half frozen processed gloop. We shared a desert a Signature Chocolate or what some chefs we know in London called suburban chocolate but it was again fabulous just pure chocolate with some sea salt and Crème Fraiche but presented amazingly and not at all sweet as why ruin good chocolate.

This was an outstanding meal and 1 star Michelin is always the one to go for as it’s awarded pretty much solely on the cooking and boy this is worth it and some. We are returning here as we had the last of this seasons menu as it’s changing this week and after talking to the sommelier we can bring our own wine and pay corckage as long as I let him try them as well so all happy about that.

Bar area

Small private dining

Dining room

MADHUS BRASSERIE

HARVEY NICHOLS 5th FLOOR

SLOANE STREET

LONDON W1

Lunch for 2 £115.59 inc 12.5% service charge

Bit of a strange one this as it’s actually in a department store on the top floor which used to be a food hall and was better than Harrods food hall as that’s for tourists and day trippers and Harvey Nics was actually for cooks, unfortunately after the past few years the food hall has disappeared and become a variety of eating places. So it was on a Sunday afternoon (only because if you know where parking is free in parts of central London) that I was obediently doing my usual service being the blonds pack mule in another of those desperate moments where we needed to find the correct height and colour of shoes for this bloody wedding in Tenerife, which by the way is doing my head in, you can take the we bit in this as me being the obedient husband. She had seen a pair of Pradas correct colour and height but in satin, satin really, how bloody impractical is that but at £895.00 I have a few different words for impractical. Fair enough though as the decision was that’s ridiculous for something I may (probably and without doubt) only wear once as I stood thinking yeah already guessed and knew that, but sensibly just nodded looking totally sincere in agreement, but that’s 42 years of married life and experience that got me through that rather tricky situation.

Two hours later and numerous stores with displays of shoes passed by along with a couple of diversions to the clothing racks and my life slowly passing me by I was still managing to look interested as I have been asked do you have this in a 10 ?, sorry I don’t work here, oh my mistake you looked so bored I thought you did. By now I’m thinking ok we can eat when we get home when up she popped with where shall we eat ?. Great idea except it’s Sunday afternoon and by now even the hotel restaurants had closed which left the choice of getting totally ripped off eating in Harrods souk and queueing with all the left over summer Arabs and hordes of Chinese tourist shoppers playing with photos of themselves or everything with a designer label that’s been on display, but luckily there’s Harvey Nics which is always quiet these days.

It was only a short walk from Harrods round the back into Basil Street avoiding the multitudes in Knightsbridge and then up 5 flights of escalators which means 4 floors of women’s clothing and various amounts of other stuff which to be honest only amounted to a 30 minute delay. Once here there is a choice of eateries like Burger & Lobster, Aldo Zilli Italian, a very expensive steak come meat house and this Indian called Madhus Brasserie

There are a few of this guys places knocking around and the main one is in the Dilly Hotel in Piccadilly plus there’s one in Hertfordshire and one not surprisingly in Southall and it’s not your standard UK curry house that does a day glow red Chicken Tikka Masala, and you don’t get the usual fat bald tattoo covered bloke ordering ten pints of lager and an extra hot Vindaloo after chucking out time from the pubs. The menu looked interesting with a few of the old favourites that everyone knows and then a few which you’ve never heard of and have no idea if the owner is just making it up and taking the mick and if I ever saw any of them when we toured India I honestly haven’t the foggiest. The place was pretty quiet at 4 pm on a Sunday with just a couple of young blokes dressed in the usual Chelsea dwellers uniform which is just as easy to spot as an American tourists holiday outfit with mug me written on their foreheads.

Didn’t recognise a few of these

Not having heard of Boozi Bafu we decided to share these which are Robata cooked Lamb Chops in spices which were perfectly pink in the middle and all the spices you could actually taste individually with the meat being great quality just melted In the mouth so a great start. The shoe hunter followed with a Prawn Moilee which not sure if I’d seen that before or not but the prawns were large and juicy, my main was Karai Lamb which came in a skillet in a rich sauce but again all the spices were there and all could be tasted individually which takes some skill with an Indian meal. After 67 years of developing this level of gluttony the meal wouldn’t be complete without a few side dishes of Mutter rice and a Makhani Dahl which was really tasty and very rich and was needed so that it could all be soaked up by the rice. As service wasn’t quick it also cost me an extra Cobra beer but that was a necessity as it’s still a curry and wouldn’t be complete minus a lager.

Not much to photograph except for the bar area and roti grill.

Add on a bottle of the posh Vos water which does come in a nice bottle but at the end of the day is still sparkling water including service charge came to £115 and a few pence. A lot more expensive than a bog standard curry but as I said it’s not bog standard and the ingredients were far above the norm so you get what you pay for.